disc-otheque

martymikalski:

SIRI

WHERE

IS

MY

SUPER

SUIT

(via ptchew)

psyched for everything. like trips and overall future plans. today i was home, and went through my stuff. my inventory. i feel freakish but i am so excited to grow up.

i went through all of my awful polaroid photos. i have tons of unused film. now if only my friends would pose for me, if only i had the time of day. or the spark of spontaneity that i’d need to do it. kim has that. i see traces of it within me sometimes.

i went through my photo albums. man have i changed. a girl with the same hair throughout the years, never changing, except in each photo it looks awful, because, although i’ve always been under the impression that i’ve cared for it, …nope. this year it is manageable, but my bangs are still stubborn. less though. i can sense my growth. i’m getting better at things like that, like taming my mane.

throughout this year i feel as if i’ve had no time for books. it really is awful. i miss them. i have like, thirteen, no kidding, sitting on my shelf, yearning to be read. they’ve been there since december-ish. i think. or february. wintertime nonetheless.

i feel that since i’ve gotten this job, i’ve just stopped caring. i mean i never truly cared for school because i’ve always been that kid, skimming by recklessly, except now it shows. i disappoint my teachers. i see that. it upsets me. however, will i do anything to change that? no. i can acknowledge it but i wont do anything about it. if i get up to do it, i get distracted.

i know that that’s what’s wrong with me.

i judged people for not getting back up on their feet. i watched them fall. now i am free falling and know it, not doing anything about it, because j’ai honte. i am ashamed. i can go on for milleniums discussing the cycle that this emotion is. because if you know youre down, then get back up, right? but it’s almost as if you know that you’re too helpless to do anything. then you should say, hey look world: challenge accepted, and try to get back up anyway. except you can’t. you know you can but you cant. boom. cycle continues.

it’s all BS.

i just like to hear myself talk.

i hope one day i will have extensive vocabulary (but not use it against anyone, it’s just fun. im so weird. im a nerd. kind of. it’s just kind of exhilarating in its own way, using unnecessarily large words that no one knows.)

i hope i can get over my own boundaries. because i am ostracizing myself. that’s all it’s ever been.

i want things but cant have them, because i block my own path.

(cue cycle again)

and things i have? I have too many. walking around my room i realized all of my unnecessary things. i’ve got a good life. why would i ever want to leave? because there’s so much more for me to experience, out of comfort. that’s why.

a dream of mine has always been to survive somewhere with barely anything. when i was little i almost wanted an accident to happen to my house, so i could start off from scratch and see how i did.

in that way i like to test myself.

i get excited for academic tests. i really do. only in topics i enjoy though. like English. i love in-class essays. I love writing. i love chinese tests. absolutely would fall head over heels for them. i like to measure my intellect.

in that way i am also a hypocrite. because i never study to improve upon it.

i cant wait for college. i love lectures (with no picking on students to answer questions and therefore embarassing them if they dont know the answer). when students are called it should be because they want to say things. not because the teacher or professor is trying to pry nonexistant information or unthorough opinions or anything from students.

also i like when all we do is book club.

or when all we do is share ideas.

i dont know.

my brother just walked into the room, and left.

he is so tall and handsome now.

i cant believe how much he’s grown.

like me.

i wonder is our relationship will be this sweet, for years to come, and throughout our lives?

i hope he doesn’t end up like her.

i hope he’s successful.

i wonder what field he’ll go into.

what about me?

i dont’ care. i just wanna see where everyone else ends up first.

i really do.

but I really want to see it!

But tomorrow will be awful